and life continues with the girls

For your entertainment, I present snippets of life as a pseudo-mom, started at 3:00

[Niece #3 arrives home from school]
N#3: I don't have any homework!
Me: That's great! No algebra today?
N#3: No. I got to take a test on the computer. If we take the test, we don't have to do homework that day.
Me: Okay. How did you do?
N#3: I got 2 out of 15 right.
Me: Perhaps we should do that homework anyway?

****

N#3 is writing a book for fun. Allow me to transcribe some of it. When I woke up I went out of the cave and ate my breakfast of salad, apple, and water. When I was ready to go I realized that Liberty's tracks were gone! I don't know how I'm going to find Liberty. There were no trails. Just miles and miles of grass and trees. Well, I guess I'll go start off now. From the picture she's drawn, I believe Liberty is a horse.

****

For some reason, pooting is a major event in this house for everyone but me. Everyone likes to do it. Everyone likes to announce it before they do it. Everyone likes to comment on it after they've done it. I do not understand the lure of the poot.

****

Aunt Me has agreed to play hooky on a school night. Oooo, I'm bad! We're off to see the newest Harry Potter movie and get some dinner afterward. And where might we be eating? Taco Bell. I kid you not, of all the dining establishments available, the girls want to eat at a TB that just opened on the way home from the movie. The graduate student budget does appreciate that value menu!

****

[an exchange between the two oldest, in which Aunt Me gets to use her negotiation skills]
N#2: Can you take me to [place of hobby] tomorrow?
N#1: No.
N#2: Why not?
N#1: I have to work after school.
N#2: But you don't have to be at work until 5:30.
N#1: So?
N#2: But if you don't take me straight from school, I won't get to go, because it'll be too late if I ride the bus.
N#1: I'm not driving you over there.
N#2: But I haven't been all week.
N#1: So? I have to go to work and I have to cash my check before that. And I'm not wasting my gas to take you there.
N#2: But I just want you to drop me off right after school.
N#1: Stop whining! And stop acting like I never do anything for you, 'cause I take you there all the time.
[okay, time to step between the warring hormones]
Me: I don't think N#2 is actually accusing you of not taking her; she would simply like you to take her tomorrow. And since you don't have to be at work until 5:30, it appears that you do have time to take her. And as your parents pay for the gas in the car, you would not actually be wasting your gas. So, I believe you will be able to take her tomorrow after all.
[if looks could kill, Aunt Me would no longer have to worry about her dissertation]

****

N#2 should be in bed. Instead, she is sitting at the table, chattering at roughly the speed of sound. I'm typing as she talks; otherwise, you wouldn't believe the range of topics:

• listing all her friends at school;
  
• telling her teacher how smart I am because I told her to look at Wikipedia and Bartleby for information on John Locke, that's because I'm writing a book because I'm in graduate school
  
• noticing that there aren't many black students at her school;
  
• how much her parents don't like her to tell them about stuff she learns at school because she's not supposed to know that yet (I doubt she's referring to grammar);
  
• that she had more black friends last year but lots of them moved away after 8th grade;
  
• listing all of her black friends
  
• that people don't like the students who have started a LGBT alliance at school;
  
• how dull her algebra class is;
  
• that some people want to start an anti-LGBT club and that's really stupid because what are they anti about, anyway
  
• did I know that one of her cousins is a lesbian;
  
• what can she pack for a snack tomorrow when she can't take the fruit snacks because they'll stick to her braces;
  
• did I notice how long her hair is;
  
• did I know she's getting a haircut next Saturday;
• she's sorry for making her big sister mad but N#1 is really temperamental lately, it's probably because of her stupid boyfriend, boys are stupid if they make you act stupid, too
  

I finally shooed her off to bed but I honestly think she could have kept going for hours. Did I ever have that much energy?

stay-at-home aunt

A few more paragraphs down; now I can claim a full page of text. Obviously, I'm not going to be turning in a completed chapter to Dr. Advisor today. I don't expect any recriminations from him but I do hate to be so slack. Please believe me when I tell you that I'm not one of those graduate students who's forever pushing deadlines. I'm the geek who always turns in papers on time, who sometimes even finishes early; I pushed the dates for my comps UP because I was so tired of "studying" and I wanted to get them over with. Life is very different now.

Niece #3 is due home any minute now. I'm surprised at how much I'm looking forward to that. I really need the peace and quiet of an empty house to get anything written but it's almost worth the lack of output to have her here. I kind of like having her sit with me at the table, working on her homework and chattering on about school. As our previously recorded conversations should reveal, she's quite entertaining.

Don't think I haven't had all sorts of deep thoughts about motherhood and career and academia this week. In fact, Bitch PhD has an excellent post today, with lots of commentary, that captures many of the random bits swirling through my head. I won't get into it right now, though; suffice it to say, being at home with young ones is very different than being at home without, creating all sorts of mental confusion about one's future.

misery does indeed need company

My sincere thanks to J. Dryden, who offered some concrete advice on how to stare down my writer's block. Twenty minutes turned into an hour and I managed to hammer out the first four paragraphs of my chapter. [Finally getting the middle niece to bed probably helped somewhat- she's a talker.]

I really don't know why I'm having such difficulty with this particular chapter. It's the discussion of my second research question and no harder than the chapter I turned in on my first research question. Something is really keeping me from sitting down, sitting still. I have decent intentions every day - I'm not expecting to whip out page after page without some serious sweat, I'd settle for a page a day - but even the bare minimum seems to escape me. I know, whine, whine, whine. At least I have a strategy to try for tomorrow's torture session.

Maybe I need some of that positive pressure that Mon's experiencing right now. Congrats to her!!

life as a family unit

[Random musings begun at 5:30]

How soon we forget. Seventeen year olds have absolutely no wish to spend time with anyone remotely related to them, even cool Aunt Me. Even when Aunt Me offers the money to bring home some take-out Chinese for dinner, N#1 would much rather spend her own $$ to have dinner out with (awful) boyfriend. I'm such a silly aunt.

****

I have been humiliated by 5th grade algebra yet again. Although I was loudly informed that she doesn't have to get it RIGHT, she just has to DO it. Oh, well, if that's the case.

****

[Niece #3 is writing sentences with her spelling words]
N#3: How do you spell "spontaneous"?
Me: Why don't you spell it for me and I'll see if it's right.
N#3: [spells it correctly]
Me: Very good. Are you using that in one of your sentences?
N#3: No. I wanted to use it on our adjective worksheet today but I didn't because I didn't know how to spell it.
Me: Did you use another word?
N#3: Yeah, I wrote "snowy."
Me: Okay. [these particular adjectives do not seem related to me but what do I know?]
N#3: We had to write adjectives to describe a snowman.
Me: Was he a spontaneous snowman?
N#3: I don't know. What does "spontaneous" mean?
Me: What do you think it means?
N#3: Cool?

****

We chose the pizza tonight, which seemed to be a better dinner choice than the tuna noodles. I won't take it personally.

****

N#3: I want to watch a movie.
Me: Have you finished your homework?
N#3: No.
Me: Well, then, you can't watch a movie.
N#3: But I just have to read this story.
Me: Have you finished reading the story?
N#3: Not yet.
Me: Then you can't watch a movie yet.
[repeat this conversation approximately 67 times]
N#3 finally finishes her story and starts the movie. After 2.3 minutes, she is back at the dining room table with me.
Me: Why aren't you watching your movie?
N#3: It's not very interesting.

****

N#2: I'm hungry. Do we have anything for a snack?
Me: The pantry looks full. [refraining from pointing out I don't live here]
N#2: I can't eat any of that stuff ; it's all crunchy [because she just got braces]
Me: There's ice cream in the freezer.
N#2: I don't like that kind.
Me: I think I saw some yogurt in the fridge.
N#2: That's N#1's and I don't like that flavor, anyway.
Me: What about some hot tea?
N#2: I'm hungry, not thirsty.
Me: Well, I'm out of suggestions.
silence
Me: And I'm not going to the store.

****

N#1: [silently entering dining room] Here, sign my progress report.
Me: Okay.
N#1: Thanks.
Me: You're welcome. [I think we just had a conversation!]

AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

I have the worst case of writer's block EVER. How will I ever FINISH this chapter if I don't START it? It's due TOMORROW and I've only written the HEADING of the first section. THIS SUCKS.

notes on a theme

An inventory of life with the nieces, started at 3:30.

****

Sitting at the table with Niece #3. I'm working on Chapter 5, she's working on math homework. I have to write the whole chapter; she gets to answer the even problems.

****

I notice that there's a blank on her paper where #8 should be, so I sneak a look at the question: Write an algebraic expression to represent the cost of a coat for $h and a shipping fee of $5.98. I always hated word problems.
N#3: [under breath] aggghhh
Me: Are we having problems over there?
N#3: No
silence
N#3: [big sigh]
Me: You okay?
N#3: Yes
Okay, she'll tell me when she's ready.
N#3: What's a shipping fee?
Me: It's what you have to pay extra when you order something, the price for the company to put it in a box and mail it to you.
N#3: Oh! [quickly writes $h + $5.98]

****

Okay, she can't figure out that 3 x W = 3W. The W doesn't stand for anything, it's just W, but she's convinced it's part of a pattern because the other problems she solved were 3x1, 3x4, 3x6, 3x9 and so W should equal 11. I like her answer better.

****

Whooo, I get to sign homework folders! 100 on a social studies test (evidently, "it was easy" - and it was also straight from the teacher's textbook - gah); 85 on an adjective worksheet (I didn't understand that thing); 105 on a spelling test (the words were too easy).

****

N#1 and #2 are home from high school. Now I get to sign progress reports! Both are doing well (minus N#1 making a 65 on The Pardoner's Tale quiz but I AM NOT ALLOWED TO ASK ABOUT IT - lord, she's in a bad mood).

****

N#1 has just stomped out to leave for work without giving me the slightest hint at what is really bothering her. Is it the boyfriend? Is it her younger sister? Is it the fact that she's 17?

****

My tuna noodles were not a big hit with the remaining girls; the veggies with cheese sauce were better. I'm really not good with this whole balanced nutrition stuff. I think there's a pizza in the freezer for tomorrow...

****

However much you want to watch a movie right now, Aunt Me cannot concentrate on her chapter with Heath Ledger slouching across the screen. They created an alternative to the television set - it's called "a book" - and I highly recommend it. [Actually, all the girls are readers, but they'll always watch tv, given the chance. I feel it's my duty to remove the chance.]

****

Blessed silence. The younger two are in bed; the oldest is on her way home from work. Interestingly enough, I almost miss the chaos.

stranger in a familiar land

Observations upon living in my sister's house for the week:

• A grandfather clock that chimes every quarter hour is FREAKING annoying.
• Objects in the kitchen are more difficult to find than they appear.
• Dinner is an actual meal consisting of more than popcorn when other people are involved.
• The steps to the sunken living room are just asking for trouble.
• Left-over Halloween candy is easily pilfered for surreptitious consumption.
• Working at a dining room table that faces French doors, a plum tree, a lawn and a small wood beyond - priceless.

initiation

I'm doing laundry at midnight so the girls have clean underwear and jeans for school tomorrow. I could almost be a mom.

missing the little one

Alas, Adorable Nephew went home this afternoon. I'm sure he's very happy to be with Daddy and Mommy again and sleeping in his comfortable bed but I MISS him. The house was so quiet after he left, even with three girls stomping around and yelling at each other (ahh, teenagers). No more infectious giggles, no more drooly smiles, no more chubby cheeks to kiss, no more little legs to run after. Really, can I just keep him?

Back to the data tonight - just finished up with the last pile a few minutes ago. That means all writing, all the time, tomorrow. Since I have to be up at the crack of dawn (literally - the 10-year-old gets on the bus at 6:45 - who thinks that's a good idea?), I can start writing early. And crash on the couch before noon, if I know anything.

Must get to bed now if I'm to get Niece #3 up in time for the bus. She's most concerned that I won't get her up in time and she'll miss the Big Yellow Bus. Aunt Me refrains from telling her this would be preferable, knowing we could both get another hour of sleep if I drove her to school, as she fears Big Sis would not appreciate the precedent.

Note: I'll get to the reunion tomorrow.

like a cyclone - with chubby cheeks

There's an adorable little one sitting on my lap right now in his blue and white striped fuzzy pajamas, smelling very sweet after his splashy bath. He's just getting his second wind; I need another nap. Good grief, how in the world do----okay, that didn't last long---

[9:30] My sweet little guy went right down after his cup of milk, a reading of Guess How Much I Love You and some cuddling. He's done so well, the first time he's been away from his parents overnight, and this is the second night. Every now and then, I feel like he's looking for them, but he's been quite cheerful, making me run in circles. I really don't know how parents get anything accomplished with little ones in the house. They're so sweet, you just want to follow them around and play all day, not to mention protecting them from steps, sharp objects and random mayhem, and when you do have some time to yourself, you're too tired to do more than nap on the sofa. Hats off to you!

Went to the high school reunion last night and actually ended up enjoying myself, in a low key way. More on that later. Now, I need to pay attention to the nieces before their bedtime.

sorry, germs, I'll have to take a raincheck

Crappage. I woke up this morning with my eyes glued shut and a sore throat. I do NOT have time to get sick right now. Too much to do, on top of the dissertation.

Tonight is my high school reunion. Whoo. I am looking forward to it but there's also a little trepidation. Getting together with all the old classmates is like psychological time travel. Somehow, everybody reverts to their high school persona, regardless of how much things have changed in the intervening years. I still want to smack a certain country club girl who acted like I didn't exist in high school; I still want to hang out in the corner with a certain girlfriend and giggle; I still want to impress a certain guy who never realized I was more than one of the boys as we ran around as best friends during those formative years. Absolutely ridiculous, but there it is.

My sister and brother-in-law leave for their week-long cruise tomorrow, so I'll be staying with Nieces #1-3 for the coming week. I'm also keeping Adorable Nephew this weekend, since little brother and wife decided to take a delayed anniversary trip. Very much looking forward to it, as are the girls - Niece #2 has already called three times today to 1) ask me if I needed specific foods when Mom goes to the grocery store, 2) tell me her schedule for the day so I don't worry if she's not there when I get there, and 3) remind me to bring my pillow since she doesn't have an extra one (I'll be sleeping in the bottom bunk this week - oh my). Still, it's a bit exhausting to think about, especially when I have a chapter due Wednesday and a body that wants to hibernate.

Sis assures me their wireless is up and running, so I'll have my lifeline while I'm holding down the fort (and I'm pretty sure I'll need it). My foray into motherhood should be quite entertaining: the 17-year-old thinks she's spending the week with her (worthless) boyfriend, the 15-year-old hopes I'm her algebra savior; the 10-year-old is expecting games and movies most of the week; and the 1-year-old won't know what hit him.

Honestly, I can't tell you how great this is going to be!

mass chaos

That pretty much describes a holiday with my family. Always lots of food and lots of noise - everybody just talks at once and whoever's loudest, wins. It's great. Mom's cooking was fabulous, as always, and my attempts at food production were pretty tasty, too. Homemade chicken pie, mashed potatoes, cornbread, green beans, macaroni 'n cheese, dressing, cabbage slaw, pumpkin pie - it does not GET any better than that.

Adorable Nephew turned 1 today and he was at his most adorable. I love his attempts at "talking" - he looks right at you, says "buh" and smiles. Naturally, we respond with "buh" and he smiles and says "buh" again. We're perfectly happy to keep this up for hours at a time but there are too many things to explore for him to stay still very long. Mom stopped childproofing the house when Niece #3 got older, so it's just like Disneyland for toddlers.

Nice day. I'm lonely. What a juxtaposition.

the day's roundup

Accomplishment of the day: baking my cranberry-orange bread. Not bad but not great - it gets an "okay" in the cookbook. Otherwise, ran some errands and stared at the computer...ahem...I mean, worked on my data. I'll get there eventually.

[insert adolescent girl screech here]

Too bad computer screens can't convey the pure joy I'm feeling right now. My high school reunion is this Friday (not the cause of the joy) and the organizers have set up a website for people to leave messages and whatnot. I check it everyday, mostly for the shock value: "You have HOW MANY children?" "Someone married YOUR sorry a$$?" "I went to high school with someone working for the US EMBASSY?"

Tonight, I had the absolute thrill of seeing a post from someone I'd lost touch with years ago. I had an amazingly huge crush on this guy while we were in high school. Not in a "he's so dreamy" sort of way; he was just such a great guy: sweet, funny, kind, jawdroppingly handsome. And he was one of my best friends. So, my crush wasn't really a romantic crush, it was a "he's so wonderful, how could you not have a crush on him?" crush. He gave me rides when my car wasn't working; he helped my dad get up hay when we were short-handed; he took me to meet his mom and eat dinner with his family; he beat up a guy who'd been bothering me at school - honestly, for a 16-year-old who was everyone's friend and no one's girlfriend, it didn't get any better.

After high school, he joined the Marines, following in his father's footsteps. He went to the Philippines, he went to Somalia, and somehow he still managed to come back as the sweetest guy I've ever known. There was certainly a lost look in his eyes sometimes, especially when he talked about the children trying to kill him in Somalia as he was trying to hand out supplies, but he still had that kindness that most guys lose in high school. He tried college; it didn't work. So, he joined the Navy. He came through town years ago...eight?...moving across country to his naval base; I met his gorgeous wife...and that was the last I heard of him.

And now, there he is on my computer screen. He even included a picture (hot!). He's a Navy SEAL now; he's served with the Special Forces in Afghanistan and Iraq and now he's stateside. (I don't have to like why he does what he does, but I can be extremely grateful that he's still in one piece.) I don't know if he's coming to the reunion or not, but he's within driving distance. So, he just might be there.

Make fun of me all you want, but I'm in a really good mood now.

the flip side

The bad thing about getting an extension is losing that fear-driven adrenalin rush to write the chapter. Better for the heart, perhaps, but not so good for the career. Don't worry, I'm back to my data sifting and extrapolating in just a moment. I'm only allowed to stop for the evening when the pile on my left has moved to the pile on my right.

Dr. Advisor was, as expected, quite understanding of the need to manipulate deadlines. He needed to rearrange a little on his end, as well, since he wants a draft of my introductory chapter before the implications chapter, as originally planned. The main part of the dissertation is still due by Christmas, but now I have a better sense of my revision schedule in 2006. Key dates: entire manuscript to Dr. Advisor by Feb. 6, copies of manuscript to committee by Feb. 20, defense on March 6. I'm considering painting them on my bedroom wall.

As planned, I went shopping after the meeting. With the Adorable Nephew turning 1 on Thursday - that's right, my reason to give thanks this year - I had the perfect excuse to buy a great book and some cute cars. (Next year, I'm getting him a firetruck!) One of my bestest friend's "little" boy turns 8 on Saturday, so I wandered around a bit before deciding on a new book and a wooden model kit for him (only his is a dune buggy - wish they'd had the airplane!). [Note: I realize this may seem like a really crappy gift for an energetic eight-year-old, but trust me on this: he loves to read and he's a Cub Scout.]

Then, to the grocery aisles! Besides a few dinner items, I was shopping for Thanksgiving ingredients. I stock a pretty decent pantry (which means there's always something to cook but nothing to eat) so I didn't have too much to get. In case you're just dying from curiosity, list is as follows:

• For apple pie: mix of Braeburn, Granny Smith and Macintosh apples, Pillsbury refrigerated pie crusts (remember, quick and easy this year)
  
• For orange cranberry bread: orange juice
• For salad: green leaf lettuce, hothouse tomatoes, gorgonzola, mandarin oranges

I try to keep things pretty simple for family meals - my dad is still getting over the idea of rice that isn't white - but I do like to throw in a little something different to keep them on their toes (I can already hear my little brother's comments about my weird cheese). I brought lasagna to Thanksgiving one year when the entire family gathered at my grandmother's; there was serious contemplation of my sanity for a few hours. There's a family legend about my grandfather's reaction when my sister served him scalloped potatoes: "What's this now?" He was a convert but not before he questioned those new-fangled ways she was getting at college. Ahh, I love my family. Such loving, nutty people.

list of ingredients

After I sit down with Dr. Advisor in a few hours - and make my excuses, although I do have a revised chapter outline that integrates this missed deadline nicely into the larger scheme of things - I have to go to the grocery store to buy the Thanksgiving supplies.

I always like cooking for the holidays but I don't really have the time to put into it this year, so I'm keeping it simple: apple pie, a chopped salad and cranberry orange bread. I was going to fix creamed cabbage for the German in all of us, but it's just to difficult to haul all the way to the parents' house. The last thing I want is eau da cabbage permeating my floorboards for the next six months.

There's also the possibility that I'll have my brother's children with me tomorrow night, so all recipes are child friendly to accommodate extra hands in the kitchen. What 10-year-old boy wouldn't want the opportunity to (carefully!) chop innocent vegetables?

deadlines are flexible, right?

I have a sneaking suspicion that my next chapter draft isn't going to make it to my advisor by Wednesday.

It was due today, but since I hadn't written word one, I asked for an extension, evidently while smoking some serious crack if I thought I could turn out a discussion chapter in three days. I started sifting through the data this afternoon, only to realize I need to start back at square one because my direction has changed, so for the last several hours, I've been reading data, pulling out relevant pieces, and organizing them in my handy-dandy Excel spreadsheet. This is all great but it isn't getting the chapter written - although it obviously needs to be done.

It isn't as if my advisor is going to beat me about the head and neck if I ask for another extension; he's an extremely calm individual. I'm also working off my own timeline, not one he created for me, so he'll probably tell me I was being a bit ambitious to think I could write it in the two weeks that included a conference and an interview anyway. Still, I hate falling behind and I hate going back on my word (so to speak).

Although, evidently, I hate writing even more. Once I sit down and get immersed in the data, I really enjoy what I'm doing, but getting started is just beyond painful. It's amazing what I'll do to avoid working on this dissertation, even though I really want to write it and I really want to finish it.

When did I become such a sad, whiny individual?

we're moving on up

And I've had a proposal accepted at another conference! I'm a little bummed that it was accepted as a brief paper when I submitted it as a long paper; when I get the reviewers' comments, I'll see where they disagreed with me. In the long run, it doesn't matter at all - presentation = presentation - but I am curious.

So, that means I have this international conference in March (alas, in the US, no exciting European city for me); the important national conference in April (accepted as a paper - whoo!); and the possibility of a small regional conference in February (a friend suggested submitting something but we haven't done anything yet).

Whew. It's exciting but a little intimidating to think about all that traveling. Conferences have a scary way of adding charges to the credit card, no matter how frugal I am. I can apply for some support around campus, so I can take the edge off, but I can't get everything covered. Conference expenses are definitely going to be one of the items on the negotiating table when I have a job offer.

Addendum: this may be one of the best sites ever.

first foray into professionalism

Ah, blessed sleep...on my couch...all afternoon. I have a feeling I'm just going to eat, watch tv, and go to my real bed early rather than working on the next chapter. Is that so wrong?

But first, my interview with Huge Semi-Urban Research University. Not only was this my first interview, this was the first application I sent in - the one with all the mistakes in my cv I found after I'd submitted it. Definitely good people if they're willing to ignore that!

I had lunch with a friend before the interview, which was a great move; we didn't do any preparation, per se, but just talking to her about my work and possibly working together on some research in the future and hearing about her job search last year really set me up to talk coherently when I sat down with the committee. That didn't stop me from feeling exceptionally light-headed when I walked into the room, however.

You have to understand, I am not a nervous person. Sure, I get butterflies before my presentations and I have an annoying habit of blushing sometimes when I speak in public, but those are just little affectations that I know I can push through. I really thought I was going to hit the floor when I first met the committee, three perfectly pleasant people who had welcoming smiles on their faces as they shook my hand. Maybe I even looked a little shaky; one of them offered me a glass of water right away.

I think it was just the reality of the situation. Admittedly, I couldn't sleep the night before, so I felt like I was walking around in a fog, but the immensity of actually starting my job search really hit me. Sending in the applications, as tough a process as that may be, is nothing; anyone can put a stamp on a cv and send it to some unknown at a university address. Sitting down with a group of professors, one of whom you really admire, and realizing these people are actually considering you as a peer - that was a little much for me.

Once I started talking, though, my head cleared and I was okay. It felt like a good interview - more of a conversation than a Q-and-A session, even though they were scribbling furiously as I talked. I could answer everything they asked with some coherency; none of their questions blindsided me into stuttering silence; there were some smiles at my answers and I even got a few chuckles with a statement or two. I had some decent questions of my own, I thought, that seemed to flow from the discussion rather than being thrown out from a repository of "things you should ask at a first interview."

So, I left, relieved it was over and fairly pleased with the way it went. Funny thing: not only was I exhausted, I was starving, despite having had lunch just two hours before; I was almost too weak to make it to the hotel restaurant for my second lunch. I assure you, a glass of coke never tasted so good. Anyway, I've been playing bits and pieces of it over and over, thinking, "Oh, I should have mentioned that" and "I wonder if I should have brought in that author to make my point?" but I haven't come up with anything that seems like a deal breaker.

The good/nervewracking news is that they want to make a decision as quickly as possible, so I could hear from them within the next two weeks about a campus visit. Can you imagine?!?!?! I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but it's hard not to play the "what if" game. I mean, HSURU is a good school; I liked the people I met; I enjoyed talking with them and I can imagine working well with them; I've been impressed with the information I've gleaned about the school so far. It would mean a big move, though, and a lifestyle I'm not completely certain I want. Research I's are intimidating; I'm at one now, I see the pressures the faculty work under. I don't know if I want that for my life - at the same time, though, I know I can do this work, and do it well, and there's a part of me that really wants the challenge.

Good grief, calm down, woman! This is a "take it one day at a time" situation. I'll see what comes of this; I'll worry about career decisions when I have a reason to make them, and I'll keep plugging away at this dissertation.

And I'll even allow myself a few smiles about how well I feel I did in my first interview!go to main page

back before you missed me

Back from the conference and I. am. so. tired. I didn't sleep at all while I was gone, probably a combination of nerves and a strange hotel room, so I cannot wait to crawl into my own comfy nest of blankets. I'll save my thoughts on the interview until tomorrow. For now, just some random bits:

• Do not stay outside the city center. It is well worth the extra bucks to be in the middle of things, not to mention the ability to find food after 9 pm.
• Never leave the computer at home. The laptop is your friend; when you leave, the laptop sits alone and thinks up ways to screw up the wireless connection in retaliation.
• Being friendly to lots of strangers is hard work, even if it is worth the effort.
• The only people who want to speak up in your session are those who disagree with you - perhaps vehemently so.
• Having a few friends to find at a conference makes life much more pleasant.
  
• Black is a wonderful color and should be worn for all professional activities.
• The point of conferences is not to sit through interminable sessions but to meet interesting people and get involved in interesting activities.

and she's off

I'm off to the conference - be back Sat night. For once, I'm not taking the computer with me (short trip, airport hassles, etc. etc.). Interview is Friday afternoon, presentation is Saturday morning - not sure when to slip in the fit of nerves. Wish me luck!

can I go back to bed?

The answer is "no" because I leave for my conference in three hours, I haven't had a shower, I haven't packed and I have to stop at the mall to hunt for a top to wear with my presenting pants before I get on the plane. Turned the closet inside out last night trying on clothes, only to realize that I've outgrown (isn't that a nice euphemism? like I just hit a growth spurt) all of my nice clothes. With a presentation and an interview, I need something decent to wear twice, instead of once - too bad they aren't on the same day. This is the price I pay for all those M&Ms and my homebound lifestyle.

And I feel crappy. I think I've vanquished the cold but the sore throat snuck in last night. It isn't horrible but I can feel the rawness every time I swallow. This is not good, if I may point out, since I'm going to be talking for the next two days. I've got that lowgrade headache, too; not bad but just enough to where you want to sit quietly without a lot of stimulation.

Have I complained enough? Do you feel sorry for me yet? Yeah, I know, I'm pathetic when I'm sick - and I'm not even that sick. The time I had the flu and spent a few days delirious on my couch - that was pathetic. I'll feel better after a shower.

handouts: yeah or nay

At some point, you just have to stop tweaking the handouts and print them. They aren't great but they convey the main points and should keep people up to speed - or give them something to read instead of listening to me, as is usually the case.

I realized I haven't used handouts for any of my previous presentations. I'm so reliant on PP, I don't bother with the hard copy at all. No, I don't even print out my PP slides. In my humble opinion, it's a waste of paper to have handouts when everyone in the audience can A) take notes on the free legal pads given by the conference or B) ask me to email a copy of the presentation if they're really that interested. Maybe I'm being anti-academic, but I don't want to drag home reams of paper from conferences; if something's important to me, I want to contact the author for his/her insights as well as the paper/presentation. Call me crazy.

So, what does everyone else do? Carry the requisite armful of papers to the conference for distribution? Rely on technology to support people's interest after the presentation? Grab up handouts like they're the last slice of pie on Thanksgiving? Avoid taking any paper home besides the program and a few business cards?

thoughts on contentment

That was definitely the feeling.

I was walking back from the grocery store tonight, my concession to exercise these days, i.e., if one wishes to buy peanut butter M&Ms, one must make the two-mile roundtrip on foot. The iShuffle picked out some Coldplay for me; a breeze was keeping the hair off my forehead; the full moon was moving through a sky full of clouds that would make Cap'n Hook happy. And I realized that I was perfectly content with my life at that moment. Even though I'm behind on my chapter writing and not prepared for my presentation Saturday and still figuring out what the future may hold for me, I was completely happy with life as it was right that moment.

I think this was a dividing line for Sam and me. I haven't had a bad life but I've dealt with more ups and downs than I would have liked; I'm ready for a measure of peace now, a sense that I've found my place and it's okay to be there. Sam saw contentment as being content, as settling instead of striving for something better.

I suppose you could look at it that way. But I'm not ready to roll over and die yet; I still want excitement and anticipation and surprise. I just want them in addition to being happy with my life as it is. I don't want to spend the rest of my days looking for something that I may or may not find, especially when I don't quite know what it is. There's definitely an element of restlessness in me that I doubt will ever go away. Sure, I sometimes dream of walking away from everything with a passport and a duffel bag but it's okay if I don't do it. Maybe that's called "growing up" - when you realize that there are some things you won't do, some places you won't see, some books you won't read, and it's okay. The things you do and the places you see and the books you read are the ones that count when you're hit by a bus and looking back at your life.

Do I miss Sam? Yes. Do I wonder if I made the right decision? Yes. Do I sometimes fear that "single" is the only box I'll ever check? Yes. But if I can still find happiness with my life as it is, I'm going to be okay.

rule #1: do not annoy the search committee

A little reassurance from Dr. Crazy in the form of a "to not do" list. I think I'm good: I didn't send extra materials (thanks to my bloggy friends); I did my best to make my letters readable; I was peppy about every aspect of the search criteria; and I only applied to positions where I could make a qualified case. I didn't really think about the familiarity issue - people outside my area read my application materials? how little I know of this strange process - but I would like to think the clarity of my writing makes all shared information generally accessible.

update on Hazel

Good news and bad. Hazel came home last weekend - that's the good news! Her therapists said she'd made such rapid progress that she'd reached the out-patient therapy stage. She needs someone at the house with her, obviously, but they wanted her in a familiar environment, trying to do the typical things that she would do at home in addition the weekly therapy visits.

The bad news is more sad, I suppose. Just the realization that Hazel isn't - won't be? - the Hazel we know. She's perpetually confused, unsure of what she wants or what she's doing. She wants to sleep constantly; when she wakes up, no matter how many naps she takes during the day, she wants to take a shower and get ready for work. She's frustrated, often angry, sometimes violent; she clocked her husband the other day. She wants to go - somewhere, anywhere. If you let her, she'll confidently walk out the door, then falter when she reaches the yard, finally wandering between front porch and garage before she comes back inside.

I surprised myself by not crying as my mother told me all this. I know enough about head injuries - not saying I could hold my own with an authority but I've read - to know that nothing is unexpected. So, everything she does or does not do is expected - does that make sense? I have no expectations of Hazel right now; her fight to survive the accident was the miracle.

It's just so sad that she has to endure this. However confused she may be, she is more than aware that something horrible has happened to her. She was never one to accept help, to let people baby her, and now that's the daily regimen. I can only imagine how angry and depressed and bewildered she must be. I know I'd be more than ready to strike out at the cruelty of life in her condition.

I'm not really an optimist, more like a pessimistic idealist. I can accept that Hazel may remain in this condition for the rest of her life. But I don't believe she will, because she's too much of a fighter to settle for this. She has too much to battle right now - depression, anger, physical inabilities, confusion, mental holes, emotional blackness - but given time, it will begin to sort itself out in her head and she'll move forward, inch by inch. She's too young to accept that this is her life. I'm too young for that, too.

all in my head

Finally, I have a working draft of my presentation. Once I actually settled down, it didn't take me that long, but my ability to focus is proportionately decreased by the number of times I have to blow my nose. I'm still in the early stages of this cold - manageable levels of snot, excessive distractability, general malaise - which means I can still head it off if I load up on sleep, vitamins and will power. I refuse to not only present, but have my first interview, while bleary-eyed and drippy.

I have quite a craving for some tortilla chips right now. Salsa and sour cream is in the fridge. Ummm, salty tortilla chips...I may have to make a run.

ugh

Slept over 12 hours last night. Is my body trying to tell me something? Or perhaps the continuous sniffles are a sign? Fight the power!...I mean, cold!

feeling blah

I just woke up. Yes, it's 6:30 in the evening. Yes, I did get up this morning and go to choir, but I was in bed 2.4 minutes after walking back through the door at 12:30. Didn't even bother with lunch - which explains the twisty stomach right now. I don't really feel sick but, then again, I don't really feel not-sick, more like a "I could be coming down with something so maybe I'd better pound the vitamins and go into hibernation" kind of feeling. I think I'm just going to heat up some quiche, chop up some lettuce for my salad, and watch some tv before I crawl back into bed.

if she only knew how funny she was

Niece #3 is at it again. And I quote:

As she's doing her homework: "Who made up social studies? It's boring."

Me: Have you seen the preview for King Kong?
#3: You mean Old King Kong?
Me: Well, he could be old but...
#3: Oh, that's Old King Cole.
Me: Right. This is about a big gorilla.
#3: And he's a king?

Me: Would you like to make a quiche for lunch?
#3: What's a quiche?
Me: It's like scrambled eggs in a pie shell.
#3: Why do you want to put eggs in a pie?
Me: Well, it tastes good that way.
#3: It doesn't sound very good.
Me: Don't you want to even try it?
#3: But why do you want to make a pie?
Me: I'll get you break the eggs and scramble them up.
#3: Can we make it now?

oh dear

I was very bad yesterday. After our ladies of academia group meeting (wow, two weeks in a row), I had lunch with some former students, ran errands around campus, came home intending to work but was easily diverted by a friend to go out for dinner and a movie. And let's face it, I'm not going to start writing late at night after an evening of entertainment. Not to worry, my Saturday is wide open and I will amaze myself with my energetic approach to all things academic.

Niece #3 is coming for the day. Family emergency - nothing bad whatsoever - finds N#3 without a place to hang out today. So, in a couple of hours, I'll have company for the day; she may spend the night, too, depending on circumstances. Obviously, I can't wait to see her, and as a 10-year-old, she is quite self-sufficient. She always travels with a bag of stuff: library books, colored pencils, how-to-draw something books, crayons, piano practice books, games. This is a very prepared little girl! Still, this blows my quiet, now-I'm-really-buckling-down Saturday slightly out of the water.

Of course, in the grand scheme of things, spending a quiet day with my niece is much more meaningful and important than anything on my table, despite the urgency of preparing my conference presentation for next week or tackling the next chapter. I'll get a measure of work done; she'll entertain me no end while I'm doing it; and we'll have a nice day that will count for something in the long run.

I'm such a sucker when it comes to "my" kids.

those crazy grad students...

Hundreds of graduate students at NYU are on strike over issues of bargaining and union recognition. NYU has quite a reading list of info: read up. So does the student paper: read some more. And then give them your support.

[gulp]

Just got a phone call setting up my FIRST interview. I'm going to a conference in my specialty field at the end of the month and the university wants to hold first round interviews there. I knew this, of course, and I was sort of expecting a phone call - I mean, how pathetic would I have to be if they wouldn't meet with me when I'm right there in front of them? It's very different to actually get the phone call, however (and though I did enjoy the half-dressed sprint to the phone, it's hard to be professional when you're wearing a towel).

So, I have my first interview in a week with Huge Semi-Urban Research University. eeep This is one of those positions I would never have applied for, except that it fits my general and specialty fields, I would get to work with someone I really admire, I would get to teach in an area I love - in short, it sounds like a great position in a place I would never have considered.

This is a little surreal. I have five applications sitting on my table. As soon as I finish writing up my teaching philosophy, I'm headed to the post office to send them out. I have an interview at one university; I have the prospect of a position at another university. Oh, completely unrelated, but I found out yesterday that one of my professors spoke very highly of me to his class of first-year grad students.

Despite the craziness induced by yesterday's speaker, I think this is a pretty good week so far!

every time I find some measure of calm...

...something comes up to mess with my inner peace.

So, I went to a presentation today by a former graduate student who is now going up for tenure at a Research I institution. Very personable woman, sharing her thoughts on the key things to know about life in academia from the perspective of "things I wish I'd known in graduate school."

Upshot: it was just depressing. So many of her points were predicated on being early enough in the pipeline to do what she suggested (so it was my own fault for going, wasn't it?). Most of the others reminded me of how overwhelming life is going to be as a new faculty member.

Sure, she was offering good stuff: get involved in diverse research projects, publish at every opportunity, work with your peers to establish future research and writing opportunities, negotiate everything when you get a job offer, go with the place that feels right, network like crazy. But it's frightening to know your prospects may hinge on the things you didn't do. For various reasons, I don't have the research experience or the pubs that I should have coming out of a Big University. I can't claim to have more than one peer I could possibly work with on future writing or research. My networking is definitely in its infancy.

This is messing with my head, and for no good reason. I know I'm a quality candidate! Look at all the good stuff that's happened recently: my proposal was accepted at the major conference, I spoke to someone about a possible job opportunity, I was asked to write a book review for one of the premiere publications in my field, my advisor said my dissertation is coming along well. Still, I can't stop comparing myself to some other standard and find myself wanting. This is not the way to find inner peace!

Does it go away, this constant measurement? Do you finally relax when you have a faculty position? Even though you have to keep hard at work, can you let some of the stress go and appreciate how far you've come and how much you deserve it? I realize this is all wrapped up in personality - and I'm revealing a rather neurotic streak in my own here - but there has to be some light at the end of the graduate school tunnel --- and don't tell me it's tenure!!

mini mental health break

I ran away yesterday, justifying it as the need to recuperate after that last minute surge toward the chapter deadline. Plus, my sister-in-law needed a last minute babysitter and far be it from me to turn down the chance to spend more time with Adorable Nephew! [see picture below for confirmation of adorableness] I'll gladly spend the majority of the day in the car for a few hours with the love of my life. He's such a wonderful little boy, so active and happy. We had a good time playing yesterday - did you know leaves are very exciting objects? They're crunchy, they move when you walk through them, they're easy to pick up and they're so much fun to tear into little pieces! What an absolutely joy.

Today, back to the regular stuff. I'm going to campus in a few minutes for a presentation about making the move from graduate student to professor, then a short meeting, then a much-needed haircut, then back here to finish the last of the cover letters for posting tomorrow.

who, me? really? are you sure?

Oh my god, my proposal to the national conference was accepted!! I just got the email - details forthcoming. This is huge! This is the premiere conference in my field and it's a big step forward in my career to present as a graduate student. I can't believe this!

Then again, I'm slightly delirious from lack of food and intensive writing. The format hasn't been confirmed yet, so they could downgrade my paper proposal to a roundtable or a poster session. That wouldn't be as cool, although definitely less stressful. But let's not try to be logical just yet!

Whooooooooo. I rock! And I really need an eggroll.

nose to grindstone

Luckily, my advisor is a fairly laid-back person, so there weren't any fireworks when I didn't hand my chapter over at our meeting this morning. I have promised it to him by midnight tonight, however, so it's time to get back to the sporadic thoughts and constant paper shuffling.

I spent most of the day on campus, between our meeting (thoughts below), a grad student association meeting (a new person showed up - can't really complain since that's a 100% increase over our last two meetings), random school-related errands and a useless trip to the library (someone pulled the fire alarm while I was in the stacks - like most people, I'm prone to ignore alarms unless I smell smoke, but when surrounded by a few million volumes of flammable material, I'll play it safe).

Dr. Advisor returned my first chapters with positive feedback overall (yeah!). The conversation was basically
DA: You need to expand a few sections in the lit review. Me: I can do that.
DA: Let's consolidate your lit review into one chapter instead of the separate ones you have now. Me: Okay.
DA: You need to make sure you're pulling your framework throughout the discussion chapters or you won't have any foundation. Me: I'm trying to do that but I don't know if I'm doing it well.
DA: Can you give me some idea of how you're setting up the introduction? Me: Uhh...yes but I'm still solidifying this so it's a bit shaky.
DA: I can see Certain Committee Person taking issue with this approach. You need to anticipate as many questions as possible in your writing and be prepared to defend your choices. Me: Defensive writing - got it.

The biggest weak point so far is my tendency to cite a number of references at the end of a dense sentence - sometimes up to ten references. [How do you know when to stop? People keep writing about my subject and I want to show I know they're writing. Perhaps this is a graduate student problem?] He suggested I unpack a few of the key references to provide some specific illustration and support. Much stronger writing and shows the reader that I'm not just throwing out names to sound smart.

Funniest moment of the meeting: He pointed out a few passages in my methodology chapter and said how much he liked my approach there, that I was doing X very well and it set the chapter up nicely. I'll be honest (with you): there was no intentionality in that at all, it just came out that way. So glad he's finding some depth in there!

I am officially insane

This is ridiculous. I got up this morning, went to choir practice, left early to drive like a crazy women to stop in for my uncle's 60th birthday party, got home about two hours ago, and have been working aimlessly on the computer since then.

I have not written word one on my chapter.

This chapter is due tomorrow. There is the potential that I will have a very good reason to finish the a decent draft of the dissertation by Christmas. But I do not want to write.

I want to read a book or go to the grocery store or watch tv or do just about anything but open up my Word document and start shuffling through my data again.

What more motivation do I need to do this? Why am I so pathetic? Agggghhhh.....

my ears are bleeding

Oh good lord, someone has made a dance mix of Bryan Adam's Heaven. I can't tell you how horrible this is. Reason #63 for why I rarely listen to the radio anymore...

music on the mind

My sister called last night to see if I'd be available today for some therapeutic shopping. Far be it from me to say "no" if she's willing to get up early and spend several hours in a car to get here. I don't get a lot of time with my big sis; I'm looking forward to it.

So, continuing the theme of "how much am I going to regret not writing today," here's the music meme I liked when I read it at Bright Star's place.

Song I always put on mix CDs: no particular song, really, but there's usually something from Sting

Song I try to woo people with: back when I wooed, Nightswimming - REM

Song that reminds me of my childhood: Frere Jacques or Jesus Loves Me

Song that takes me back to junior high: You're the Inspiration - Chicago (ack!)

Song that takes me back to college: We are the Champions - Queen or December '63 - The Four Seasons

Song that always makes me cry: not always, but I have a tendency to get teary over Parry's I Was Glad and Handel's Hallelujah Chorus, especially if I'm singing

Song that takes me to my happy place: it changes with time; right now, anything John Mayer

Song I play to get the party started: U2's Vertigo or The Dixie Chicks' Sin Wagon

First concert attended: Harry Connick, Jr.

Last concert attended: Coldplay (awesome!)

Artist I've seen most often in concert: tie between Sting and Billy Joel (three each)

First record/CD I bought: A-ha's Hunting High and Low, an actual LP (their video for Take on Me is still the best)

Last record/CD I bought: Coldplay's X & Y

Album I love falling asleep to: soundtrack to Legends of the Fall, GladiatororThe Last Samurai

Album I love waking up to: I like waking up to the radio news

Best after-hours album: a mix of Norah Jones, Dido, Sarah McLachlan, Annie Lennox, Sting and Michael Buble

Best song/album for falling in love: I agree with B* - The Luckiest by Ben Folds

Best song/album for breaking up: Goodbye Earl - Dixie Chicks

Guilty pleasure music: John Denver and Barry Manilow (I know, I know...)go to main page

things are getting a little strange here

Meant to talk about this yesterday but I got distracted by the basketball game (imagine that) but now I have more info, so perhaps we're all glad I waited. Then again, you might get more detail than you actually care about now.

Yesterday, after playing the requisite game of phone tag, I finally caught up with a professor friend of mine. We met when I TAed for her one summer here and really hit it off. I won't bore you with the details, but she really took me under her wing, talking to me about how the graduate school game is played, how to determine what's worth the stress and what's not. This is a woman who took three hours out of her excrutiatingly busy schedule to sit down and go over my dissertation proposal with me after my proposal meeting left me completely lost, even though she wasn't on my committee. She left this past summer, though, to take a new position at another university (shame to lose her but that's another story for another time).

So Prof. Friend wanted to know how I was doing (fine, really); how the dissertation was coming (slow but making good progress); where I was applying (several places). Then she asks me if I'm applying for the position open at her new university.

As a matter of fact, I am. This is one of those tricky positions, though, where it's in my general field but not my specific area of expertise. I'm confident I could do very well in this particular field - in fact, I'm applying to two other positions within this same field elsewhere - but I am working outside the area that I'm most passionate about. One must reach a little, however, if one wishes to be employed.

Prof. Friend then tells me that she told the head of the department that I was considering applying for this position and, in the ensuing conversation, he mentioned there might be an opportunity in my specialty area as well and I should call him. So, she gave me his phone number, gave me some advice, and told me to call.

Needless to say, I didn't call right away; I needed some time to digest this. Lots of "if he asks me this, I could say that" and "I should emphasize this point if he asks that question" before I could fall asleep last night. Today, though, I made the phone call, since there's no point in putting things off.

Dr. Dean was just as friendly as Prof. Friend said he would be and we had a very nice conversation. The upshot is, there may indeed be a position opening in my specialty area in the spring. He seemed to like what he heard from me; he said he would let me know when the situation was clarified; and he asked me to email my CV as we ended the conversation. Big whoop for me! I'm a little stunned but I'm definitely pleased.

The key point, right now at any point, is that the position may open in the spring. As in, they would need someone to take over after Christmas. Not to start counting the chickens before they're conceived, but that would mean taking a position ABD, which I swore I would never do. And that wouldn't seal a permanent hire; the position would be posted in the spring for a full search but Dr. Dean said working in the spring would certainly put me in the front running.

Really, not trying to get ahead of myself, just thinking out loud at this point. Do I apply for the not-quite-right position now? Do I wait to apply for the just-what-I-want position, that may or may not be posted in the spring, regardless of whether I work there next semester? Should I even contemplate taking any position in the spring when I won't have finished the dissertation - not to mention that I would have to petition to keep my fellowship if I had an employed position?

It wouldn't be such an issue if I wasn't interested in the university, but I am. Small Urban Research University has a solid reputation; my field is consistently ranked nationally; but they consider themselves a student-centered university. The department is big on collaboration among faculty members, and I would have the opportunity to work with Prof. Friend. It's located in a city, which is a plus for me, even though it isn't a large city. The location isn't what I would have originally chosen but it does put me in close range of friends and family, which is quickly becoming more important to me as I get older.

Really, there's not much to consider beyond whether I apply for the not-perfect position; that deadline is Nov. 15. But the whole concept raises all sorts of ideas in my head. Thoughts, anyone? go to main page

women + discussion = support

What happens when you combine five female graduate students with a coffee shop showcasing good pastries?

Good stuff.

We don't have a name yet - Women In Support of Each other; Female Academics Mentoring Each other; Women Mentoring ourselves, Dammit - but the concept is up and running. Five of us met this morning to put our current issues and concerns on the table. We looked at CV revisions; we talked about preparing IRBs; we compared notes about upcoming classes. I talked through my theoretical framework, sketching out the figure I intend to use as illustration, to get some feedback on coherency. And we made plans to meet again next week.

Something this simple really can make a difference. Everyone left with a smile on her face. We stuck to our plan to concentrate on academic concerns; if someone hit the inevitable slipstream, someone else guided us back to the right current. I heard lots of support around that table, even as we were negating certain ideas and differing on others.

This is why I like academics. We come together around a common concern yet we all bring different areas of interest to the conversation; we speak a common language with different accents. Eve's emphasis is on Latino achievement in mathematics; Jane is focusing on teacher leadership. Karen wants to find a spot somewhere between English education and technology; Jenny is searching within teacher education and issues of multiculturalism. Together, we know enough to talk about the specific topics in a general sense but we know too little to negate the expertise of the individual.

Such a good start to the day bodes well for my afternoon productivity, no?

pick-me-up

Back from the game and I've already blazed through a good bit of data. Funny, even if I haven't had a particularly rough day - and today was quite calm - I still need some recharging to get back into a productive mode again. Analysis is just a tedious process, however interesting or enlightening it is, and it's easy to feel as if I'm not making any headway, because I'm not adding any pagination to the chapter. I am, however, creating an amazing spreadsheet to organize my coding and, obviously, I need this before I can write anything worth turning in to my advisor.

Dinner is almost ready. I have leftover chicken and rice in the fridge; I have soup in the pantry; I have eggrolls in the freezer. What am I eating? Thanks to sheepish, I'm boiling vermicelli to go with my parmesan cheese. Once you have a particular food in mind, it's hard to get it out of your head until you satisfy the craving. So, yes, I'll probably have a handful of my vice afterward.

decisions, decisions

So, should I stay home tonight, working through the rest of my data analysis since I was too tired to finish it last night, had more to do than I realized and worked up absolutely no momentum today?

Or, should I take my friend up on the offer to join her for a pre-season basketball game, knowing that basketball season is one of my absolute favorite times of year and I love to see these guys in action?

Hmmmmm.....

I need to go change clothes. It's worth another late night.

how much do I not want to work?

That much.

ho hum

My earlier enthusiasm for data analysis is waning. I have to get through this particular stack of paper tonight, however, so I can go back through my interviews tomorrow and finally start writing the chapter. Amazing how little time a two-week deadline really gives you.

When I get this chapter turned in, I have to take a day or two to finish my job applications and get those in the mail. Even though a few have Dec. 1 deadlines, I want the materials sitting on the proper desks now - no reason to put it off. I still need to write my teaching philosophy for one app, and polish up my cover letters for the others.

Not a very exciting post;, I suppose. Well, there you have it - my current life. I do have a few philosophical thoughts running around in my head about our expectations of happiness and the look of "real" life but those will have to wait until I have a little more free time on my hands.

forest for the trees

It's time to take a break from the data analysis when you realize the pieces that you just couldn't quite categorize are exactly what you're looking for in the first place.

writing in the old-fashioned sense

I've spent the morning writing a real letter to a friend in England. Does anyone actually do that anymore? Granted, I type my letters now, since my handwriting is becoming increasinginly illegible, not to mention the touch of arthritis in the ring finger, but still, it's a real letter that gets a real envelope and a real stamp.

I get it from my mother. She was/is a prolific letter writer, to friends and family alike. When I was little, I can remember my mom sitting at the kitchen table to write letters to her mom, her sisters, her former classmates; often, we kids would also "write" something to send with her notes. When I went away to college, I got letters from my mother, not phone calls (the latter was reserved for emergencies or bad news). When I was abroad, not only did I get letters, I sent letters - like you wouldn't believe. My mother got a letter a week, not to mention postcards whenever I saw a new monument or visited a new museum; I wrote my college friends, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my old teachers. Even with email, I wrote copiously in the evenings and posted on my way to work.

Now, I'm not as good about writing letters, but I still make the effort with certain people. Postcards have become my communication of choice. I travel enough that I can grab a handful and keep in touch that way. I'm just not a phone person really, even though I like it when people call me. I have to be in the mood to communicate that way. With a letter, I still have to be in the mood, but somehow it just suits me better - even as much as I love to talk!